We need to go back to the beginning when everything was still black and white. Back before we allowed circumstances and opinions to blur our clear cut sides. Let’s go back to the joy of simply being around one another; no expectations, no predetermined or ulterior motives; just me, you and the world at our disposal.
Let’s go back to when the phrase ‘I love you’ came from a sincere place. When it was not a means to an end or a door to getting what we want. To the days when we valued outdoors more than indoors; the fresh air, the scent of flowers, the orange sun and the wind blowing in our hair.
Let’s go back to the days of that naïve 18-year old teenage kind of love; to the days when sitting up the whole night talking to you was the highlight of my day, not how many orgasms I gave you. To when going for simple picnics, sharing a plate of fries, going sight seeing or window shopping at the mall was what we called an ideal Saturday plot; simple, romantic, meaningful and from the heart.
Let’s go back to when ingenuity was not only expressed in the bedroom but also in the little things that I did to sweep you off your feet: like saving up the whole week to buy that cheap necklace as a sign of my love or, cleaning the compound for the whole week so as to get money for you to go see that movie you were so crazy about. Simple things just to show you how special and amazing you are; things to make you feel loved and appreciated. To show you that it is not just your body that I crave, but the entire of your mind, body and soul.
I desire for us to get back to when communication was as simple as a toddler writing with crayons; what you see is what you get. No reading between the lines, no searching for a deeper or hidden meaning; when what I said is what I meant. Before linguistics, a degree in literature, Justin Bieber (What do you mean?) and Cosmopolitan magazine altered our perception of words.
Let’s go back to when I wasn’t so analytical of you; to when I saw the best in you; to when I believed that only the best could come out of you because you are the very best; to when I only anticipated good from you. For I have allowed my skepticism and my lack of faith in the world to shift to you, my love. All I do now is look out for what you do wrong so that I can jump in and put you down; feeding my ego by seeming wiser than you in that respect when truth is, it is just a ruse I purport to not face my own imperfections and defects.
I want us to go back to when I was brave enough to face my own fears; and brave enough to entrust you with them. When I could open up to you about anything and was not afraid of you judging me, or your perception of me changing when I told you that I struggle with things too. I struggle with depression and feelings of low self worth; I struggle with my flesh and I am greatly battling lust. I struggle with the voices in my head who strive to make me believe that nothing will ever change and this rut is ours in all permanence. I want this mask that I have erected to fall off, so that you see me for who I really am…a wounded man.
Above all, I want us to go back to when it was just me and you; when no one else was a factor. When the most important aspect of my day was when I got to see and talk to you. When many of the variables that are now present did not affect us like they do and when all the things that that bug me right now did not as much. Just us on the inside and everyone else on the outside.
Let’s go back to when it was simple.
This, is my desire…