Sometimes, in utter dismay, I attempt to paint the picture of who you are to me. It’s an attempt to fully and in a commensurate manner, express the position that you hold in my heart and who exactly I see when I look at you.
Laying aside every form of nay sayings that may have been purported over time, I have come to embrace that you are the most phenomenal part of God’s creation that I have had the privilege of getting to encounter on a personal and intimate level.
Each moment that I have to stare into your brown soulful eyes; a moment to break down each and every barrier that I may have put up to protect my heart, is always an opportunity to catch a glimpse into your universe and experience your prized presence. These are those moments that the very concept of time ceases to exist. In that brief and intricate moment, I experience everything yet lose the same. My sanity is set aside, my manliness is undesired and the very fabric of nature that dictates who I am pauses and takes notice.
I get so engulfed and consumed in you that I stay rooted, unable to move. I can feel my feet but, for some reason, they choose such a moment to express their rebellion. My tongue gets heavy; my tongue and throat immediately get parched; my palms, surprisingly, decide that this is a perfect moment to demonstrate that they can get sweatier that Lebron James in the fourth quarter. My diction gets jumbled as I try to express myself in a cool and calm way so that you don’t see just how nervous I am. All I can ever afford to do is smile.
Every morsel of mine screams in unity for me to stop looking into your eyes. It’s funny because this is the one moment that they have all come together in unity over a matter. Sense tells me that I should look away, even for a brief moment, so that normalcy can resume. Normalcy though, in such a moment, looks like a disservice. For all at once; I am everywhere and nowhere. I am lost yet, I am found. I am collected but I find myself unsure.
Your eyes search the very essence of me, as though there is treasure to be found. Looking and prodding deep within, searching and enlightening my soul like a candle stick in the thick pitch of a deep, cloudy night. Your very gaze sends shivers down my spine, ripples through my very self.
I am usually stronger than this. I am a man; a strong one at that. I have a strong resolve and when I decide something, nothing deters me from the same.
Then why is this happening?
It makes no sense. I fight within myself, trying to release the strength within to break free from this grasp you have on me. I have need to be free yet I feel so right.
I feel you embrace me, despite your being across the room from me; I feel the print of your lipstick on my cheek and your fragrance fills my nostrils, yet there are tens of people between us. They are several here with us, but it feels like it’s just us. The scene may be full but I only see you. The tarmac beneath us vanishes and it’s just you and I; caught in the current, gliding free with the air between us feeling like miles.
I long to touch you, place my head on your heart and bare myself to you. Break down every wall and let you into my fortress just so I can get the opportunity to tell you that I have been searching for you my whole life. To tell you that you have been all that has occupied my mind the last 12 days. Thinking about you and searching for you. Picturing how my life would be with you in it. At some point I quarreled myself, chastising myself for thinking so inappropriately about you.
Yet as you stand across the road from me right now, it all comes back; the thoughts, dreams and desires. I know I should not cross. I should walk away and leave you be. But I cannot. My sanity depends on this; I cannot let myself down this time. So I do what I know how to do best: resolve. I resolve to cross the road. I resolve to meet you again. I resolve to do what I did not have the courage to do so before. I resolve to be me.
I feel woozy. I feel the rhythm of my steps begin to disappear. I keep going; closer, closer and closer still, until I find myself before you.
What do I say?
Shit! I clearly did not think this through. “She is looking at me in anticipation; what do I do? I cannot turn back now (clearly). I can do this. Let’s just keep it simple.”
I stretch out my hand, open my mouth and say the only word that I can say.