My soul has been, and still is, searching for something; something elusive; something that deems unattainable. It has been crying desperately for this…this thing that I cannot name; neither can I describe. I just know it’s an IT…an IT that keeps me up at night when I should be asleep and that drives me to dream when I should be awake. An IT that claws at the door of my heart, frantically raising it arms in the air, wanting my attention. I search for it, yet at the same time try to shun it.
I have tried to ignore it, I have rationalized it, I have seared my conscience and numbed my heart all in a bid to silence it. I have indulged in what I know I should not and have embraced that which I know I don’t believe in just so this voice would shut up. I fall asleep with my headphones on just so the loud music can drown out its voice. It wants me…it is calling to me; it will not let me be.
Everywhere I go, I see it: in the beauty in my wife’s eyes; in the quiet intimate whisper of our unborn baby; in the clear blue sky and the constellations that garnish the night; I hear it in Adele’s ballads and 2 Chainz’s bars. I see it in every swing of Thor’s hammer and with every snide remark that escapes Samuel L. Jackson’s lips. I feel it in the rush of the wind as I walk to work and in the aroma emanating from my favorite dish as it is placed before me. It is in the chirping of birds as I walk through the park on a Saturday afternoon and the feeling I get when Manchester United wins a crucial match. It is like a whisper from the Universe; a cry from mama nature herself, calling me to a journey of the heart. A journey full of intimacy, adventure and beauty, like a fairytale, complete with its fair share of more than a little danger; to an experience of exhilaration.
Deep down, I know I want it…more than anything in this lifetime. I feel like it is what will guarantee me peace; it is what will charge me up to face every new day and will encourage me to hold on to every promise that God has ever made me. But I’m just too broken to pursue it. I am too afraid to step out and the uncertainty scares me. My heart is too fortified to even think about letting it in. I vowed to myself, in fact swore, that I would never make myself vulnerable like that again. Too many have trampled upon my heart and even more have tried it on and shoved it aside. Yet my heart will not stop weeping, whimpering in the silence of night, longing for this experience. Afraid that if it passes it by, it would have forever lost something that can never be salvaged.
So, we continue to fight, I fight by day and my heart lays siege by night. It fills my sleep with dreams that I cannot fathom and is slowly taking away all that I hold dear. Food is losing taste; I am losing the ear for good music and it has put a stop to the flow of ideas for me to pen. I am miserable; dragging by everyday, spending time but gaining nothing from it. I walk through as though in a trance, not really knowing which direction I am headed. I am like a ship without a sail, I know not where I am going, I just know that I am in motion; being pushed and pulled, tossed and turned, rising and falling. All in a bid to get me to go for that which I truly long for…The Sacred Romance.