Fear…

Like karma’s secret weapon, it is wielded before me; attacking when most unsuspecting and assured of maximum effect. It is blared into my ears from the moment I breathe my first and forcefully shoved down my throat from the moment I obtain understanding. It is fed to me day by day; in what I see, all I hear and in every occurrence. I am fed by strangers and acquaintances and feel most satisfied when it is from those I hold dear. In how they treat me and relate to me; in what they say to me and about me.

There is only one rule, irrespective of who it is: “You will fear me or I will teach you to fear me” It is like the biggest baddest brother in the yard has fixed his eyes in your direction and has decided to enforce his rule, make an example for every rival faction and ensure his continued reception of ‘appeasement gifts’ in his domicile and you, are the PowerPoint presentation.

Truth is, fear is everywhere and at every one instance and in everyday, we encounter it. We may try to ignore it or run away from it but none of these can refute the fact that fear is more than just a norm…it is a present reality.

I was once told that the way to kill fear is to face it and shame it. Your keeping it a secret is that which gives it power over you. Bringing it out to the light will weaken it and eventually cause it to lose its hold over you. So I decided that today, I will do just that. So, ladies and gentlemen, here are my fears.

I fear that one day I will lose my gift; that I will lose the ability to split syllabi with the astute craftsmanship that many have come to recognize and appreciate; that I will wake up one day and sitting on the toilet seat will not be sufficient to produce a barrage of content like a welling spring. That I will pick up my pen and my fingers will be virgins to the experience and when I crack open my laptop, I will have nothing to put down. This scares the pants off me for this gift has really accentuated my status ever since I discovered it; it has been my avenue of release and a mode of painting the pictures hidden deep in my heart.

I constantly face the fear that the people closest to me will one day betray, or worse, abandon me; leaving me to write and execute this algorithm we call life on my own. I am not a loner; I don’t do loneliness and isolation very well. The mere thought of it just creeps me out. This may probably be why I am claustrophobic; I cannot be in a space that does not allow another being to be in with me. Naturally, I am a people person. I can walk into a venue and 5 minutes later, you find I have befriended seven people; talking and laughing with them like we have been friends since forever. I have experienced loneliness and isolation; I have lost so many people who I called friends and have tasted the bitter apple of rejection; no other feeling can get one sick to the pit of your stomach than that of being rejected by those you love.

I am afraid that one day, all that I have been waiting for will never reach and all this while, have believed in a lie. That all I have experienced and every supposed lesson that I have learnt was nothing more than a clever ruse, a practical joke orchestrated by forces beyond my spiritual security clearance. That I will wait and wait and it will never come; like a person waiting for the perfect lover. That I will wake up and all I will see is all that will be. Eventually, that which will come will be the pain and bitterness that will constitute my remaining days, and the disappointment in me for allowing me to be conned out of destiny, joy and fulfillment.

However, of all my fears and insecurities, the greatest of them has to do with who I am. I am afraid of my light, that it is too much to handle, even for me. Each time I see it begin to smolder, there is a slight pull in my heart that wonders if, when it attains full intensity, it will change me. Will I cease to be the calm (loud), funny people person I have always been. Or will I make myself my own iron throne and allow King Geoffrey to reincarnate in me. Will I finally become the narcissist that my childhood therapist said I had the potential of becoming? Will I become one of those people who build a Dracula like castle on top of the highest hill, distance myself from everyone who claims to care about me and only come out to play at night? I know for sure I don’t want to be this person.

However, despite these fears, I still let my light shine. For I have come to realize that light beautifies and light makes manifest. Everyone that has come into contact with this light has experienced something; something out of this world. Despite the presence or absence of fear being out of my control, my allowing it to rule and dictate me is very much within my control. So don’t be afraid of feeling fear, embrace it. Let it show you just what you are made of; let it prove to you just how powerful and able you are.

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