Over the past two days, I have been wrestling with the question. “Why do I even bother?”
Why do I wake up at ungodly hours to pen down this stuff; why do I expose myself and make myself vulnerable before you, my readers, like this; why do I feel the need to do this everyday, even after I wrestle within myself in a bid not to.How is it that I find such fulfilment from this, and on days that I don’t do it, I feel like I have not achieved anything on that day
As you can probably tell, things are not all black forest cake right now; but that is not why I am penning this. Something pointed out to me, that it is not a very ‘macho man’ move to write about feelings, more specifically, mine. I mean, most of the people who see this will probably not even read it; some will just like and scroll on without as much as winking at it; others will start but won’t go through with it, citing too much ma-feelings for them to handle; others will read through alright, and judge you six ways to Sunday. There will probably be a Whatsapp group discussion about you somewhere; so why even bother?
You will be shocked to find out that I am just as surprised as you are that I actually did this. I don’t openly and plainly talk about how I feel; I normally find it is too much access to be given to someone. That, and it is a concept I have never fully grasped or understood. I laugh them off, move on and will probably construct a good fiction around it for you to read on Saturday on my blog. Never was it in my plans to begin actually expressing some of the demons I contend with in the dead of night.
God, however, I think has a different perception of this. I am thoroughly convinced that one of you…yes, you, is not at a good place right now. You follow me religiously, much more than I deserve and it is because of you that I have found myself breaking the most scared rule that has governed me for years: ‘DON’T LET ANYONE KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. THEY DON’T CARE ANYWAYS.” You are in need, in need of assurance, in need of encouragement, in need of a friend. You have been feeling so alone, like no one knows how you feel, like no one understands just what you are going through and are fast losing your desire to live
It is because of you that I wrote this, why I write this, and why I will continue to write this. To let you know that you are not alone, that there is nothing wrong with you, that you are loved, cherished and highly sought after, even if the people around you keep showing you otherwise. You deserve the very best, are the very best and are more beautiful (yes, even to you men) than words could ever describe.
I will be the first to say that I am not okay, I have not been for a while, and sometimes, it is okay not to be okay. There may be nothing you can do about it right now, but it is okay to feel how you feel. It’s okay to want cry, to want to curse everyone or to even not want to talk to anyone. It is okay. And you know what, feelings change, storms lift, darkness gives way and morning eventually comes. Hang in there little one, you are almost there.