So it’s a particularly regular Monday evening. I am sitting on the recliner in my study listening to the ‘Blurryface’ album by 21 Pilots. It is dark all around. Lights off and thoughts off. I am in one of those modes that many have sought to grasp and yet many more have failed to understand. Well, for someone like me, it is actually highly recommended for my sanity and the safety of everyone around. It is actually very therapeutic as it helps to think clearly; analyzing and classifying thoughts and intents either for storage or incineration. In layman terms I am putting things into perspective.
It was all going great until my mind got enticed in this particular direction. My fingers refused to be omitted and thus put in a request to be made partisan to the moment. (I know right!! They can be so needy sometimes) After a brief moment or rummaging through my clustered table, relying mostly on touch and resulting in a broken glass and a few wet documents, a faint white light flickered from the darkness as my canvas, which for now is my phone, came on as I awaited the case my adversaries had against me.
If you ask me, I honestly like this particular atmosphere for its serenity and lack of content. My senses get a rest from having to take in and analyze everything. It is like spa day for them; they sit down, relax, chit chat and have pinacoladas. It is such times that I express my appreciation for the plain and regular nature of darkness. It has and always will be just that, darkness. No array of palettes, nothing fancy and no variations. Just the one shade of the same boring color.
He’s like that mail guy who wears the same dull trouser, shirt and tie day in day out. No color, no accessories, no fashion risk. It’s like he’s been living under a rock this whole time. He is predictable. He is safe. He is boring, but he is safe. Despite your colorful soul you stick with him because he will never break your heart. He may not be the kind of person I walk around with everyday because I have a very colorful soul and he will probably hush my buzz but he is not completely arbitrary.
I once tried to forcefully integrate him into my system. WORST MISTAKE EVER!! He is kind of an ass by the way. His snide remarks, dark humor and the pessimistic and tormenting nature of his silence were too much for the hobbits in my head. I had no option but to banish him. I tucked him in the neat little corner room of my mind and locked the door behind me as I was leaving.
He is now like my shrink; I only go to him when life ain’t treating me so well. However, when my life is a fragrance filled flower field he is on the reserve bench because he has no place in the line up of my colorful and vibrant life. I come to him for a shoulder and listening ear when life has broken my heart and I need someone to cuss with who won’t judge me. For some reason I never listen when he warns me about her. Together, we always have lunch with Skylar Grey and brunch with Lana Del Rey.
He is always happy to see me and his eyes immediately light up when I honor our scheduled visits. On the days I cannot make it, he always so understands me. I mean, if he isn’t the greatest and sweetest friend ever. What would I do without him?
Therefore, I am again here in the presence of dear ol’ darkness. However, today things are different; he is not happy at all to see me. When I walked in, life literally got sucked out of the room. The signature heaviness of depression is so potent you can almost touch it. He sniffles and instantly I notice that he’s been crying.
What did I do wrong this time? Did he not like the presents I got him for his birthday?
I have apologized many times for not showing up that day despite promising that I would and also for not calling as much as I had promised to. It has been a hectic few months since he last saw me. There is this girl I met and…..well that’s for another day. Long story short, I have been busy. I love him and all but he should know that I have a life too and it does not necessarily revolve around him. (My God, such neediness)
He is not talking to me.
He sits facing the wall and refuses to respond to my desperate attempts at conjuring up a conversation. I even brought grained single malt whiskey and a WWE pay-per-view because he is into such things but today he is not budging. Apparently it’s the same thing I brought the last time after going silent on him for several months.
“I should really be more thoughtful about my gestures of penance”, I think to myself. It is a really tough crowd here.
The warden (reality) comes in and says that visiting hours are over. I am sad but there is only so much I can do. I put the whiskey and DVD on the table and head for the door. I pause, look back hoping for even the slightest change of heart but he has not moved. He still sits there with his back to me, staring into oblivion. I promise to visit soon, tip the warden to keep an eye on him and walk away. All the while racking my brain about what it is that could be wrong with dear ol’ darkness…