The Broken Plate

I open my eyes to the blinding lights that stream in through my bedroom window. My head is heavy, my mouth has the distinct aftertaste of cigarettes and my throat is dry. My eyes are sore and itchy. My face feels sticky and dirty. I lift my head and see the dirty outline of my face on my pillow. Sitting up is a great battle but I finally manage to sit up and open my eyes to the sight that is my matrimonial bedroom. I lazily lift my feet off the bed and place them on the floor. Looking up, I look into my wardrobe mirror and I catch a glimpse of the horror that is my face; my hair is in a mess with ties and knots, most of the make up from one half of my face remained on the pillow, my eye pencil had traced a path down my face to signify the path my flowing tears had carved out. Most of last night is a blur, with bits and pieces coming in flashes.

I immediately notice a funny smell and I run my eyes around, following the trail of the smell so as to discover where it is coming from. I bend down and catch a glimpse of my dress from last night, well, the remainder of it. I lift it to my nose and immediately discover my mistake for the pungent stench from the cloth is horrendous. One of my heels is right next to where the dress was and I notice the heel is broken while the other is nowhere in sight.

And then reality strikes…

Did Jim really just up and leave?

Seven years of marriage and all of a sudden I am cold product. Seven grueling years of pulling him out of all the gutters and pits he had gotten himself into. Seven years of paying his debts, and need I say of how many times I have had to personally call his boss to apologize for his complacency. All the sacrifices I have made not only as a woman but as a person. Having put my career on hold to help him pursue his. How I had given up my smashing body just to have his children. 4 children in seven years is not the easiest thing to do. To be a wife, to be a friend to such a man had drawn the very last of my strength. But I held on, I mean, that is what you do for those you love. You give your all at the expense of yourself. My family disowned me, my friends abandoned me and I lost all traces of a social life just for him. “Me and you against the world baby”, that’s what he told me everyday, and I believed him. And all this while I thought we were a team

Then he comes back home last night, packs his bags and tells me he has had enough. Puts his key on the table and walks out the door. I follow him out into the rain, trying to talk to him but he does not even look at me. He gets into his car and drives off, leaving me kneeling on the ground. I stand up and run after his car, shouting his name, while tears and rain partially blind me. I run till my lungs give in. Most of what happened after that made no entry into my head. Maybe this strange but strong smell on my now soiled dress had something to do with it.

What? How? Why?

These are the thoughts that run through my mind as I feel the tears well up in my eyes again. I let them flow. I begin to feel numb and heavy as all I can think of is the emptiness inside. As the tears trickle down my face, they tell the story of the broken plate that is my heart.

How Long Should One Grieve?

So my lady and I had a very interesting discussion today over breakfast. I mentioned to her of a former school mate of ours who had passed away. It had been many years since they had known each other but she had a vivid memory of him. I said that, personally, his passing kinda took me aback a little because I had run into him in town about four days before a full stop was put on his story.

What sparked the discussion is that I mentioned that I had sought to know the exact cause of his passing. To be honest though, I don’t know why I wanted to know this; maybe it was for closure; or to satisfy this deep seated desire that I have always had to want to save everybody. I am not sure…

So back to our talk; I told my babe what I had discovered in regard to, (Let’s call him Smith), Smith’s death. She asked me why I was so intent on knowing the details because truth is; the more I lingered and pondered over it, the longer I held onto that person and the more difficult it was for me to move on. This took me a little by surprise and for a moment I almost protested at just how callous and insensitive her statement was. Good thing the Holy Spirit intervened and told me to drop it.

During the drive to work, however, I really got down to meditating on what she said. The truth is that different people have different ways of dealing with grief and these, have different durations. For some, they pick up almost immediately like it didn’t happen while for others it is a more complicated process. I have seen some widows mourn their husbands for years and maybe never remarry but others have picked themselves up; opened up to new love and eventually remarry within a not so long period.

So my question is, is there a particularly prescribed formula for mourning and at which point do you know when you have crossed the safe line? At which point does it cease to be safe, healthy and recommended grieving, and one begins to flirt with depression?

I am curious…

Capture or Be Captive

It’s an amazing thing; the mind. It can obscure you or flaunt you; has the power to build you or destroy you; it can give you a good life or one from which you seek an escape. The mind is a powerful thing and fortunate is he who learns to harness it.

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You see, the mind has the power to make you a believer just as you have the power to make it a believer.

f58558fcab8b817d3cde65ce7d16ccd8In my short life I have come to discover that; on the one hand, the mind is like a sharp shooter. It has the ability to take out a target and accomplish any mission irrespective of how close or how far away the target seems to be. It is quick, efficient and precise. When it locks onto a target, success becomes nothing but a function of time.

On the other hand, the mind is like a toddler; it is always hungry and whatever it lays its hands upon goes straight into its mouth. 311be025e658cf2de2462a98951ad833The mind is in a constant state of feeding. Whether you are conscious of it or not, your mind is in a constant state of consumption. Just like in children; depending on what they feed on, they will either be healthy or malnourished. In the same light, what you feed your mind determines its state of health.

If you feed it positivity, ability and sufficiency; it will grow up healthy and will develop prepped for whatever life has to offer. It will have great ability and will give its wielder the power to subdue, overcome and achieve anything that is within sight.

On the other hand, if you feed it lack, inability, insecurity and negativity; it will grow up weak and malnourished. It will view itself as weak, have poor self image and lack proper self esteem. The one who wields such a mind as a weapon is all but set for doom as they will accomplish very little, if anything at all.

I have observed and come to realize that many people are living at the mercy of their minds; like parents being controlled by a child who is the habit of throwing hissy fits. The child barks and they come running; the child wants and they give; the child’s every desire becomes a command. All the while they say that they are showing the child love by not denying what he or she wants.

As such are people who are controlled by their minds.

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It is important to know that the mind is one crafty fellow. It is like an illusionist who has perfected the art of creation and perpetration. The mind can conjure up a picture or an idea and make it look and feel so real that it becomes illogical to consider anything contrary. The mind, if allowed, can run circles around you without you even realizing it. Many people spend up their portion of time without even knowing that they are the victims of a ruse.

However, just as you can put your foot down to a child, you can put your foot down to your mind. Now is it easy? Absolutely not. Is it possible? Certainly! Is it rewarding? More than all the gold and precious rubies in all the seas combined.

You see the mind can create what is not and cause it to be. This is because it taps from an inexhaustible resource tank which is the spirit realm; or as some call it, the subconscious realm. Learning to harness the power of the mind is therefore very rewarding.dfccd398bf459209cbe79ff28c5488b0

The mind is of limitless power and resource. You can either wield it or be a slave it. The choice is yours.

Stick around and I will show you how.